Well, hello Mr. Vagcam.... long time no see!

Today was baseline day. I had a date with the vagcam to make sure my ovaries are quiet and I don't have any cysts. I passed with flying colors! I also had labs done to make sure my estrogen levels are low, but I'm sure they are as I've never had issues in the past.

This means I get to start stims on January 2nd! I'll go back again on January 5th for my first follie and estrogen level checks.

On a side note: I hope this doesn't sound rude and I know it may sound wierd, but I'd actually prefer not to talk about this cycle in person. Writing this blog is a great outlet for me and I know it sounds strange, but I would rather just discuss things here instead. Please know that I truly appreciate all the thoughts and prayers, so please keep that coming, I'm just going to try and recap everything here and then turn off the IF chat after that...

Random thought

I was excited about my five-day weekend and all my sleeping in, until I remembered that I have to get up at 7:30 am every day to take my medicine... doh!

Consent signing.... check!

Chris and I went to the RE yesterday for our consent signing. This is something we never had to do with our old RE which is just one more reason I am so happy with our decision to leave. We had to sign a bunch of paperwork stating we fully understand what we are about to go through and other legal gobbledygook. The funniest part was that we had sign something agreeing to care for any child that may result in this process.... Sadly this means at some point someone got pregnant with ART and then refused to care for the child. sigh.

My doc went through every aspect of the process, thouroughly, to ensure I am fully prepared for what lies ahead. Many times throughout our convo she said, "I know you know this, but..." It made me a little depressed to think that we've already been through this two other times, but it was also a little comforting that I know exactly what I'm getting myself into.

After our consent signing, the IVF nurse came in and reviewed my med calendar with me and showed me how to use a couple meds I've never used before.

I'll go back in about a week for my baseline u/s to see if things are quiet and then we'll start the stimming process in early January.

Here we go again...

December 19, 2000

Today marks the ten year anniversary of my colectomy. Ten years ago, today, I lost my large intestine... It all feels very surreal. Some aspects of that day are as crystal clear as the images I'm viewing on my computer screen, at this moment. While other aspects are only known to me because my mom has informed me of them over the years.

More for my own records, here is a list of what I remember about December 19, 2000 and the weeks/months following it.

I remember...

• Being wheeled back to the OR
• Drifting off to sleep
• Waking in my hospital room where my mom, dad, brother, and grandma waited for me
• Having some sort of test done which caused excruciating pain ("more pain than I should have been feeling at the point"), later to find out I had masses of infections in my abdomen
• My mom sleeping on a recliner. (She had the night shifts and would switch off with my dad around 6am every morning so she could head back to the hotel to get some sleep/a shower.)
• Frosted Flakes
• The sound of my mom's shoes as she exited the elevator and headed toward my room.
• The old lady next to me who sounded exactly. like. Yoda. and somehow got used popcicle sticks stuck behind her.....
• My morphine pump
• Nearly fainting when trying to stand up for a CT scan and my dad catching me before I fell.
• Trying to walk for the first time and not being able to stand up straight.
• Snow. Lots and lots of snow.
• Finding out my white blood cell count had finally decreased enough that we could go home 17 days post surgery. I should note, this is pretty significant as we were told I'd be in Cleveland for 5-6 days post surgery which would have gotten us home in time for Christmas. Instead, we were stuck in Cleveland for Christmas, my brother's 21st birthday, and New Years.
• My aunt, uncle, and cousins bringing us Christmas dinner and a video from my family from Christmas Eve.
• What I wore home from Cleveland (red waffle shirt, overalls, matching socks)
• Sleeping in my own bed for the first time in nearly three weeks
• Finding out that after one night in my own bed, I had to go back to the hospital for another week.
• Encountering the worst nurse I've ever dealt with.
• Multiple IV attempts in one night because my veins were so shot.

• Finally having a quality of life again....... I'll admit, I don't remember the exact moment when I noticed I had my life back, but at some point it happened. At some point, all of the pain (physical and emotional) for myself and my family finally became worth it. At some point, perhaps 6 months or so post surgery, I regained my life. At some point, I actually felt well. And it wasn't until that point when I finally realized how terrible and miserable I had felt all those years leading up to surgery. It wasn't until that point that I realized how lucky I was that surgery was an option for me at all and was successful (aside for the complications throughout) in the end.

Today, I feel nervous. Plain and simple. I feel nervous that I don't have much time left with my health and things will soon take a turn. At the same time, I feel lucky. Lucky to have gotten the years I had and lucky to have regained my life for so long.

Tis the season...

As many of those close to me know, I am not a huge fan of Christmas. I'll spare you the details of why. Halloween- now that's a holiday!

Well, I have to say that this week I have actually been enjoying the season. I was able to do what I find to be the point of the holiday (giving) when my office adopted a family in need. On Monday, I collected $150 from my collegues and roped Lindsey into shopping for gifts for the family, with me. We went to Meijer and had a field day! We ended up with about 8 items for each family member (a mom, 14 year old with Autism, 6 year old, and 3 year old) and had a blast while doing it.

The next day I ventured into work and found another 8 or so items per person were donated by folks in the office. We ended up filling my entire car with gifts to take to the family! Amazing!

A coworker and I delivered the gifts to the Salvation Army and it was remarkable! The entire corporate building was filled with gifts! I wish I would have taken a picture. The only thing I'm bummed about is that we can't see the family's faces when they recieve their gifts. I hope they have a wonderful Christmas!

Some good news...

As you may remember, our infertility insurance coverage was maxed out a couple months ago. Because of this, we are waiting until Chris' insurance kicks in next year before doing IVF again. I'll be starting the expensive meds very early into the new year and therefore, needed to order the meds now instead of waiting for Chris' insurance to kick in. Infertility meds are insanely expensive (i.e. ~$2,000 for 12 days of one med). So of course I was feeling sick over what we would have to come up with out of pocket.

Here's where the good news comes in: Our total cost for the meds was... drum roll please...$16.00! (Yes, that decimal is in the right place)

Here's how:
1) I ordered as much stimming meds (Follistim) I could a couple months ago to drain my remaining insurance coverage. This left me with enough to get through the first 6 or so days into the new year allowing me enough time to order more with Chris' insurance where I'll only have to pay 40% of the cost.

2) Lupron, HCG (the triggering med), and progesterone in oil, per Caremark, don't count as infertility meds and therefore were covered at 90%!

3) A wonderful woman on thebump message board who is 13 weeks along with IVF#3 didn't need her remaining meds anymore and donated them to me! This wonderful lady sent me more than enough of my needed medication (Menopur) to make it through this cycle and sent a Christmas card and Penguin Christmas ornament! I ask myself every day what I would do without that message board...

I'm feeling optimistic for this next cycle. I'll leave it at that for now.

18 vials of blood at the lab, 18 vials of blood....

Take one down, pass it around....


Before my insurance runs out this year, I thought it would be a good idea to have all the testing done, I could. My doc recommended tests for clotting disorders, genetic disorders (for both me and Chris), and autoimmune disorders. What that meant for me was this (yes, they all were filled):

The good news is, I didn't pass out! I got the results back today for everything- except the genetic testing (also called karyotyping) which can take 4-6 weeks. Everything checked out okay. Of course, I have mixed feelings about this news. On one hand, I'm glad I'm okay and on the other this still leaves us in the dark. I'm to the point where I'd almost want something to be wrong so it could just be treated.

In other news, I've been doing more lately to try and improve my mental health. I've been crafting more with my friend Lindsey and have been trying to do some relaxing exercises. Hopefully, if I can get my mind right, my body will follow suit.

A Few Good Songs...

I Would Die for That, Kellie Coffey:

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

'Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to live.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that...


Haven't Met You Yet, Michael Buble:

I might have to wait
I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing
And the other half's luck
Wherever you are
Whenever it's right
You come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet...


All is Not Lost, Ok Go:

They could be right about it
They could be right in some crazy way
'Cause if they yell fire, well that's what we get
Yeah they yell fire and that's what we get
So, yeah it's coming babe
Probably bad as they talked about
But just remember: when the tide rolls in
It can't be too long until it rolls back out.....

And when they say that all is lost
All is not lost, all is not lost
And when they say that all is lost
All is not lost, no all is not lost at all...


Bulletproof...I Wish I Was, Radiohead:

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day every hour
I wish that I was bullet proof

Wax me
Mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bullet proof...

The Good, The Bad, and The Angry

The good: Chris' insurance will cover some aspects of IVF. They will cover "Four Egg Retrievals and Four Embryo Transfers" per lifetime. Unfortunately, I have already used two of these four this year and, eventhough, I'm with a different insurance provider now, it still counts against our four attempts.

The bad: We tried one last "hail mary" cycle before turning to IVF#3. It was an IUI with injectibles (something we've never tried before). I responded really well to the meds and ended up with three follies all measuring at 16mm (two on the left and one on the right).

For some silly reason, I got my hopes up that things would work out. I thought maybe knowing how badly I did not want to have to go through a third round of 3 shots in the belly a day, an inch and a half needle in my butt every night, visits to the doc and labwork multiple times a week, surgery to remove eggs from my ovaries, indescribable emotional stress and pain, not to mention the financial burden would make a difference.... unfortunately, it didn't matter and we received another BFN.

The angry: So, now we wait until Chris' insurance kicks in until we try again.... You'd think after 28 months of waiting I'd be comfortable with it..... Perhaps if I was waiting for something like a job promotion or a new car or a new house, I could be comfortable.... Waiting for a human being to complete our family and to allow me the chance to do what I was put on the earth to do- become a mother- now that's a different story. And anyone who says they could wait patiently for years on end has clearly never felt the pain and emptiness of infertility before... and I hope to god they never do.

FML

How should I start..... life is tough right now... maybe the toughest it's ever been. We went through a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) in September and got another BFFN. This was particularly rough as we started with 4 frozen embroys from IVF#2. On September 16th- the day of the embryo transfer- we found out that only 1 of the 4 embryos survived the thawing process. We went ahead and transferred that one embie with the mindset that if it survived the thaw, it must be strong. Well, I guess not strong enough because on September 27th, I got my beta results that my HCG level was less than 1. I guess that beats the less than 0 I usually get with those tests! Woo hoo.

After the FET BFN, I was ready to jump right back into a fresh cycle with both feet. I did not want to pass go, I did not want to collect $200. I started taking my BCPs for IVF#3 and the very next day got on Aetna.com to check out my insurance standings. Well, that's when the shit hit the fan. All my IF insurance coverage is gone. All $10,000 of it.... gone. Sooo, lucky for us, if we want to try again, we get to pay at least $6,000 for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer! Yay! But wait there's more!! I checked my prescription coverage today and guess what?! It's gone too!!! Yay!! So.... If we want to use medications for our next IVF (aka, a requirement) we get to pay thousands more for the meds!!! Who's excited?!

All sarcasm and bitterness aside, we are checking into Chris' insurance for 2011 but won't know if his insurance will cover anything until November. At the moment, I feel incredibly angry and bitter. I wasted all of my insurance coverage this year and my entire year going through IVF three times.

I have spent the last 10 months going to the doctor, taking pills, getting injections, having eggs removed from my ovaries, and recieving devastating news. I've had who knows how many dates with the vag cam, used all of my paid time off at work for doctors visits, procedures, and bed rest, and revolved my entire year around medical treatments. My insurance has paid over $25,000 for me this year and I've spent $4,000 myself. All for.............absofreakinlutely nothing.

Now we wait to see if Chris' insurance can offer any assistance, and if it can't we save and prep for another cycle sometime down the road.

I guess all that's left to say is FML.

Road Trip!

My frosties went on their first road trip! I had to move all four of them from ORM (my old RE) to RGI (my new RE). I must say, it was the most stressful and intense drive of my life! I went to RGI and picked up a loaner tank. I drove the tank over to ORM and they filled it up with my frosties.

Here's where it gets stressful.... I then drove from ORM back to RGI with my frosties strapped in the front seat. I drove 4 frozen embroys that took me 2 years, 2 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and several thousands of dollars out of pocket to create... across town. I drove them, sitting in my front seat with nothing protecting them, but a couple inches of metal, some nitrogen and a seat belt.... I dare someone to tell me they had a more stressful day.

Aside from it being so freaky, it actually was pretty amazing. Imagine all of the trials, tests, failures, and successes our scientists have gone through to make that drive possible? Imagine big picture stuff like, my car...my seat belts... the roads. Then dig deaper and imagine the tank that was created and tested and eventually discovered it could protect living human cells. And of course let's think of how amazing the entire concept of assisted reproductive technology really is. Just think, if I was a person living with infertility just 30 years ago, I wouldn't have been making that drive with my potential babies. I would either be living a child-free existance, or I would be saving and saving for however long, in the hopes of someday adopting. But instead, I got to drive my hopefully future babies across town. I got to talk to them, and sing to them, and tell them I love them.

I am so lucky, I am so very lucky. I live in a generation where IVFs and FETs are possible, I work for a company that's insurance offers assistance in paying for these procedures (for a little while longer, anyway), and I'm married to man who's willing to travel this road with me.

FYI

The following article was posted on the IF message board I am a part of. It is very true and really makes you think. I highly recommend reading it.

Recap

It's been several month's since I've posted anything. And I don't know that anyone even checks in on this anymore, but I think I'm ready for an update post.

Chris and I tried IVF for a second time in May/June and recieved our second IVF BFN on July 2, 2010. This negative was a bit different than the first. I think I am so broken and scarred, that this one just made me feel nothingness. Complete nothingness. We have since met with a new doctor to obtain a second opinion and love her! She is young, fresh out of school, and in my opinion, has something to prove. She's already requested many more tests than my old doctor ever did and though no answers as to why- outside of the scar tissue- I can't get pregnant were found, I am at least impressed by her willingness to look.

We are currently taking another small break before we gear up for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) as a result of our ability to save some embryos from our past fresh cycle. As with the second IVF, when and how the FET goes will be under wraps. Though the support of our family and friends is so important, discussing my cycle as much as I did with IVF #1 is too stressful to take on anymore. It is better for me to supress the experience as much as possible in an attempt to protect myself from the pain.

With that said, please continue to hope and pray that someday our dream of becoming parents will come true... and if we're lucky, hopefully it will happen soon!

That's all folks.

I went in for labs yesterday morning and at 2:30 PM yesterday found out the IVF wasn't successful. We are done. It's all over. I have never felt so defeated in all my life. I have no clue why it didn't work, and don't know if I'll ever know why. I feel angry. I feel slighted. I feel resentful. I feel numb.

Chris and I are going to go on an IF break for a few months. We need some time to clear our minds and I need to let my body heal. I just went through two solid months of medicines, injections, labs, ultrasounds, procedures, bed rest, cramps, bloating, weight gain.... and all for what? So that I can now sit on my couch and wallow. How is that fair?

How am I going to bounce back? I'm tired of being positive, I'm tired of being upbeat, overall I'm just tired.

We both appreciate all of the prayers and well wishes over the course of this process. Like I said, we are going to take a few months to ourselves and try to get our life back on track. Hopefully soon I'll be able to fill my time and thoughts with something other than infertility.

4th and Goal

Our transfer was on Sunday, March 21st at 8:30 AM. It’s weird to think that our future babies, maybe… possibly… were put into their mommy at this time! It’s also scary as hell to think that maybe they weren’t.

We transferred two embryos: one was an “8-cell Grade 1” (aka. Pefect) and the other was a “6-cell Grade 2” (aka. Near perfect). The procedure itself was just slightly painful. I found out that I have a tilted, short uterus and as a result had to have an ultrasound-guided transfer. This means that I was required to go to the procedure with a full bladder then they had an external ultrasound working on my tummy as the RE was placing the embryos in my uterus. This was only semi-interesting to watch, as I could barely tell what they were looking at during the ultrasound.

After the transfer, I was required to go on bedrest for the day of and the day after. I was pretty antsy just laying there for two days; however, it meant that I got to spend Sunday afternoon with my mother and all day Monday, with my hubby!

I also got all kind of treats from friends and family! I got lots of yummy food from my MIL including my favorite... coffee cake! I now have a sparkling clean house thanks to my mom, and am the proud owner of some new leggings thanks to her as well (which is pretty much all that fits at the moment). I also got to stare at two dozen beautiful tulips all weekend thanks to my dear friend, Yessica! And got to play with my new coloring books and modeling clay and look at my adorable egg basket filled with little goodies from my good friends Mara and Kary (read the note in the basket- it's the best)!

I also got tons of calls, texts, and Facebook postings all weekend and am so grateful for those as well! I think it’s pretty obvious that this whole IVF thing was just one large master scheme to get free food, gifts, and cleaning services! I’m so smart!

So for now, we just wait to see if it worked…. Get comfy little embies!!!!

Halftime Report

I recieved the call from the Embryologist with my "fert" or fertilization report. Here's the scoop:
They retrieved 12 eggs on Thursday. Of these, 10 were viable. Of the 10 viable eggs, 7 were fertilized!

My RE is opting for a 3-day transfer which means, the transfer is TOMORROW (Sunday, March 21st)!!!

Please wish us luck for a successful transfer! Hopefully my little embryos will get nice and comfy!

Hail Mary

So as most of you know, our E/R was this morning. Let me start by saying it couldn't have gone any better! I had my regular RE rather than that (insert word here) other one. They retrieved 12 eggs, and it didn't hurt a bit!!!!

Here's the play-by-play, if you're interested:

They prescribed me a Xanax which I took at 9:30 this morning. It didn't make me feel dopey, it just calmed my nerves a little bit (may I have 30 more of those please?!) Then we reported to the embryo lab where they checked both mine and Chris' IDs, checked us in and had Chris...... um make a deposit......

Then we went to the REs office where they checked my blood pressure and gave me an injection of something called Dilaudid (or something like that). Again, this didn't make me feel dopey it just made me a little drowsy and took the edge off.

My IVF nurse checked on me continuously until about 11:30 when my RE arrived. He numbed my insides (I'll spare you the details) and then took an ultrasound with a needle attached and used the needle to get to my ovaries and drain each "follie." These were drained into a test tube which when full was sent through a little trap door right in the exam room. The door connected to the embryo lab (pretty cool) where the Embryologist was on the other side collecting the test tubes and searching for eggs within them. (This whole time, I was wide awake and could see everything he was doing on the ultrasound screen. It was awesome!) This went on for about 15-20 minutes and then we were done!

My RE stuck around to chat with us for a bit, I hung out until I was able to walk on my own, and then we headed home. Since getting home, I've been sleeping mostly, checking texts, and of course chatting with my friends on The Bump. I'm still feeling okay and am just now starting to get a little crampy. My RE prescribed me some Tylenol 3 and said I'd get pretty bloated and crampy (fun, fun) and this is perfectly normal.

The Embryologist will call us tomorrow to let us know how many of the 12 eggs were fertilized (it is usually about 70%). Then they'll decide if my transfer will be on Sunday or Tuesday.

Thanks for all of the well wishes, thoughts and prayers! Please start praying that we have lots of successfully fertilized eggs, tomorrow!

Go!

So yesterday was… how shall I say it…. exhausting. I went in for another follie check and b/w and unfortunately had the mean Dr. again. She again said all of three words to me. And when I asked, “Am I ready?!” Her response was “Nope.” Wow, thanks so much for the details.

So I went to work and waited to hear the results of my labs….and waited….and waited….and waited...all the while checking my cell phone literally every 30 seconds. Finally at 3:00 or 3:30 the nurse called me with my lab results and… I promptly lost my cell phone signal. Again, it was an exhausting day (I'm not sure how my poor friend- we'll call her Mara- got any work done with me bothering her all day).

To make a long story longer, I finally connected with the nurse who said my labs looked “great” and that I could trigger on Tuesday (aka. today)! This means......... the retrieval will be on Thursday, March 18th!!!!

Here's hoping the luck of St. Patty's Day carries over into Thursday!!

Get Set...

So, I recieved my lab results from Thursday's labs and it turns out the stims were working too well. I think the idea is they don't want things to cook too fast, so they reduced my dosee of Gonal-F. (This means is one less shot a day, so that's a plus.)

I went back in yesterday for another round of labs and another u/s. Thankfully I had a nice RE for the u/s this time. I think he measured 6 or 7 follies in each ovary, so that's really positive. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite ready for the retrieval so I go back in tomorrow for another round of b/w and another u/s. The doctor called us yesterday with the lab results saying the reduced dose did the trick and I'm right on track. He didn't come out and say we can trigger Monday, but said if my labs look good tomorrow it's very likely we'll trigger tomorrow night!

Trigger= The medicine that triggers ovulation. Once you take this medicine, you are 36 hours from Egg Retrieval!

On Your Marks...

So, my first “follie” check this morning was less than climatic! I still don’t know my E/R date... I have to go in Saturday or Monday or both days for more “follie” checks and then they’ll determine my E/R date. Bummer. This is perfectly normal and in fact, the RE said I was responding to the meds the way I should be. So basically, I’m on track, but they need to keep monitoring me until right before the E/R and then they’ll tell me the date. It will be next week- I know that for sure- I just don’t have an exact date.

So as far as the actual appt… it sucked! I didn’t have my normal RE and the one I had was a….. (fill in the blank). She acted irritated that I was there, gave me all of two minutes of her time, and aside from saying “You’re responding to the meds like you should” gave me no other details. When she was done with the u/s she pretty much packed up and walked out. Nice to see you too (fill in the blank)!

The positives from the appt are that I am on track and she measured 10 follicles (future eggs), so that’s good. I’ll hear more details about my lab results and future appointments, this afternoon. For now, we just wait…..

“Off to the Races”

Those were my RE’s words this morning after my baseline ultrasound. Apparently it’s pretty common for women to develop cysts on their ovaries. If that’s the case you are required to stay on the meds a little longer in order to shrink the cysts. Well, for the first time during this god-awful experience, something has actually gone right… no cysts, thank you very much! So as long as my blood tests from this morning come back normal (as we all anticipate they will) I can start “stimming” tomorrow!

This means I’ll start taking the drug that will create multiple eggs. A friend at work- we’ll call her Yessica- keeps saying, “don’t you think you could just sprinkle on a little extra of that medicine just so we’re sure you have enough eggs”….. mmm hmmm she can help with my 8 screaming babies then! :)

I told my RE I was relieved there were no cysts as I am in a wedding on the 27th and any sort of delay in the meds would not really mesh well with that. His response was, “Oh, I hope to have you pregnant by the 27th. Even if you don’t know it then!” This is the first time in a long time that I’ve left the doctor’s office feeling so confident. Based on my lab history, the look of my ultrasound, and just my family’s background, I’m starting to feel really positive that things will work out.

I'll go in on March 11th for another round of labs and another ultrasound. If things look good, they'll schedule my E/R for the following week... fingers crossed!

Instant Replay

My 27th birthday is tomorrow. I just keep thinking about where I thought I would be at 27. I guess since I always said I'd start trying for a baby in Fall '08, I thought by March '10 I'd have a 10 month old. I guess sometimes things just don't go according to plan. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me a little patience... I mean, there has to be some reason, right??

I finished my last BCP on Thursday. It was sort of a surreal experience. I just kept thinking to myself, what if this is the last BCP I ever take?? (Because clearly after this, they aren't a necessity in the Bland household!) I also keep thinking about all the money I've wasted on BCPs over my lifetime.... I feel a little sick to my stomach thinking about it.

In other news, Dr. B continues to give my Lupron injections in the morning. They don't hurt but my belly continues to swell... it just seems a little unfair. I mean, it should be swelling because a baby is growing in it... oh well. I go in on Friday the 5th for my first or "beta" blood work and ultrasound. This is where they check to see how my body is responding to the medications, thus far. If things look good, I'll start my "stims" on Saturday the 6th. The stims or Gonal-F (aka the drug that almost cost me $2,000!!!) are used to help my body create multiple eggs. So, if all goes well on the 5th, I'll start the stims on the 6th, both am and pm. For those keeping track, this means three shots a day. oye. Honestly tho I'm really looking forward to starting the stims portion of this process, because it means we are nearing the finish line.

Once I start the Gonal-F, I'll go on March 11th for another round of blood work and another ultrasound to check my body's progress. If things look good here, they'll go ahead and schedule my E/R (yay). If things aren't progressing as they should, I'll continue on the Gonal-F and will go in every day or every few days for more labs and more ultrasounds, until my body looks the way it should (boooo).

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my body cooperates (for once)!

Parting thought:
You know how it feels when you are stuck in traffic and want more than anything to just get to your destination? Well, that's sort of how infertility feels. You expect getting pregnant to be an easy and quick task and when it isn't, you get irritated, antsy and angry!

You know how it feels when you are heading out for a long road trip and you get in the mindset of, this is going to take a while, so I should just get comfortable? Well, that's sort of what IVF is starting to feel like for me. For the past 19 months I've been stuck in a terrible traffic jam, haven't been able to get to my destination, and have no idea why! Now that I'm going through IVF, I am sitting back and getting comfortable, because I know that deep down inside, I'll be to that vacation home soon.

Time Out

Today is day 6 of the Lupron injections and I'm already noticing some swelling in my belly. I noticed that my second-surgery scar is sort of, I guess, sinking in, in the middle. I checked with my new IVF message board BFFs and it sounds pretty normal. I'm just a little worried about fitting, comfortably, into my bridesmaid's dress at the end of March. I'm currently on 10 units of the Lupron and starting March 6 it will go down to 5 units. Hopefully, the swelling will go down then. I guess if all else fails, I'll just hold my flowers in front of my belly....for the entire night!

Personal Foul

This weekend was a little rough. I found out that another person in my life is pregnant. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I made a list of all the people I know who have either gotten pregnant or had a baby during our TTC journey. It's hard to believe, but that number is up to 14! Again, I know I shouldnt have even written it down...

I've been spending a lot of time on thebump.com IVF message board. Though I am so lucky to have so many people in my life who are there for me 1,000%, it's really nice to be able to connect with people who are in the exact same boat as me. It's astounding to see how many people are battling infertility and how many have much more working against them than I do.

It's weekends like this when I get down on myself that I need to step back and 1) look at how far we've come, 2) look at how short a distance we have to go, 3) remember how many people we have rooting for us, and 4) stay positive that our first IVF attempt will be successful!!

1st and 99

It's day two of the Lupron injections and I already feel like we're experts! Thanks to my husband- Dr. B we'll call him- I didn't feel a thing! I think it's funny that yesterday and today, I've been really concerned with the entire process- did we clean the area well enough?; am I too close to my last injection site?; did I lay down long enough afterwards?; should I lay down afterwards? knowing very well that a week from now I'll be grabbing the syringe as I'm running downstairs to feed the cats and injecting myself as I go. Okay, maybe I won't be that comfortable with the process, but you get my point.

I also just got off the phone with Caremark regarding one of the new meds. So, when I ordered the medicine I purposely requested the drug be sent mail order as my benefits cover speciality drugs much better via mail order rather than retail. The deal is that I order the specialty drug mail order and I only have to pay $250 for it. So you can imagine my shock and horror when they asked for my payment of $1,995 for the drug! After, Lord knows how many phone calls to both my employer and Caremark, I finally have a resolution! As it turns out Caremark's "Specialty Pharmacy" processes both retail and mail order claims. Blah, blah, blah, they processed the claim as mail order and TaDa- $250! What a relief! Trust me, with all the stress this process puts you through, money is very near the tippy-top of the list... "near" being the key word!

Let the Games Begin!

My husband and I want to have a baby. I guess all we have to do is stop taking birth control and have sex, right? WRONG! What seems like such a simple process is quite certainly the farthest thing from it.

My name is Amie. I'm a 26 year old girl... ah hem, woman trying to conceive my first child. I've been married to my wonderful husband, Chris, for 3 and a half year and have been trying to create a child with him for the past 18 months.

It started out pretty typical, stop taking BCPs, have sex every few days, and wait for AF to miss her flight into town. When AF showed up right on time our first month, I thought nothing of it. When she showed up right on time for the next 4 or so months, I started to worry. You see, I have some medical issues that at the age of 17 forced me to have a pretty extensive pelvic surgery. When I didn't get knocked up right away, this surgery came immediately to mind.

My first step was to use an ovulation predictor kit to ensure I was at least ovulating....no good. I tried the kits for two months with no results and decided to see my OB. Our first decision was to try 50 mg of Clomid to see if that stimulated my ovaries...no good. Bump the Comid up to 100 mg...finally something! I can't even express how excited I was to just hear that'd I'd actually ovulated! Now I'm good to go and we should conceive any minute! WRONG!

After ovulating with the help of Clomid for four months (keep in mind this is 10 months into the ttc process) we finally dediced it was time to meet with an RE. So we did and we loved him! Can I just say how very important it is to feel.... well, important at a time like this? Trust me, all my chronic medical condition put me through for 4 straight years of my life is nothing compared to this struggle! But back to meeting our RE. After 10 months of feeling hopeless, confused, and very very different, we sat with our RE and after 15 short minutes finally had a plan of action. Finally!

Our first step was to see what was going on inside. Most importantly did my pelvic surgeries create any scar tissue around my tubes? I went in for an HSG test in October to find there was, in fact, scar tissue near my tubes- not blocking them- just near them. Of course I always kind of had a fear of this in the back of my mind, but like so many things in life I thought, eh- that will never happen to me. WRONG! When my RE explained the results of the HSG to me, it felt as if he'd just punched me in the gut. Truly, knocked the wind out of me. How could this be? I had one of the best gastrointestinal surgeons in the world! He performed surgery on the Pope for God's sake!

After collecting myself, it was time to move on and decide our next plan of action. As it turns out Clomid can actually decrease your fertility- or rather, you are more fertile without it. In addition, the HSG is actually known to increase fertility for a few months. With that said, we decided to go on a "Clomid break" for a few months to see what happens... After a month of this, I was ready to move on. I just didn't see any point in wasting any more time.

So this brings us to November and our first IUI. My RE opted to do a Clomid IUI with an HCG trigger shot. Something kind of interesting to point out here is that exactly 4 years to the day from when my husband proposed, he gave me my first ever fertility drug injection.... my how far we've come!

After our first IUI was unsuccessful, we opted to give it one more shot (pun intended) in December 2009.... again, no success.

I must say, two failed IUIs was a pretty tough pill to swallow. I'm not sure I've ever felt quite as down or hated my AF quite as much as I did when the second attempt didn't work. Why me? Why after all that I've already had to deal with am I now going through this? I know pitying myself won't get me anywhere so I've tried to only throw myself a few pity parties through this whole process, but you know what, sometimes, you just need a good cry!

So, after 19 months ttc, one not-so-great HSG, and two failed IUIs, we are on to plan Z- IVF. This is another one of those things that I've always had in the back of my mind but never, ever, ever thought I'd have to do.

I'm currently in the BCP phase of the process and started my Lupron injections on Feb 18th! It's such a surreal experience. Just the thought of how much technology has impacted my life. From my life-changing surgery to remove my large intestine some 9 years ago to gaining assistance in- hopefully- bringing a life form of my own into the world. How absolutely mind-boggling!

So that's my story I guess all that's left to say is Let the Games Begin!